Bill Gager

I watched as the little boy stood with his lip quivering. His mother repeated her question, “Why did you hit your sister?” The little boy repeated his answer, “I don’t know.” In frustration his mother scolded, “Well then… You can take a timeout. I want you to sit there and think about what you did and why.”

The mother was obviously frustrated by her son’s seeming unwillingness to answer her question. In all probability, the little boy did answer the question as truthfully as he could. In my experience, although we are aware of our conscious intentions, we are unaware of our unconscious intentions. Given that 90% of what we do is driven by our unconscious, why is it that the question of “Why” Is such a popular one? (Pun intended.)

I propose that we ask “Why” of others in an attempt to gain some sense of control. We attempt to satisfy our frustration due to not knowing “Why” for ourselves. As a result, we learn early in life that we better have a good answer in response to the question of “Why.” Little did the boy’s mother realize her role in programming her son to insure he will be able to answer the “Why” question in the future.

Questions are a powerful thing. Our minds will answer any question we repeatedly ask of it; even if it has to make up the answer. In response to feeling pressured to answer the “why” question, the left hemisphere of our brain will concoct a plausible explanation for what we do, even though in most cases, we don’t consciously know why we do what we do.

Joe, known as the “Man with Two Brains,” was sitting in front of a computer in a lab at Dartmouth College. On the screen, the word “Music” was flashed so that it could only be seen by Joe’s left eye; the left eye sends the image to the right hemisphere of Joe’s brain. Simultaneously, the word “Bell” is flashed so that it can only be seen by Joe’s right eye; the right eye sends the word to Joe’s left hemisphere. In Joe’s case, that’s where each word will stay. Unlike a “normal” brain, the right and left hemispheres of Joe’s brain do not communicate with each other due to surgery performed to alleviate Joe’s epileptic seizures.

This scene is from a documentary narrated by Alan Alda and produced by Scientific American entitled “Severed Corpus Callosum.” It explores research into the differences between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. Dr. Mike Gazzaniga at Dartmouth College conducted this research.

As Alan narrates, Joe is asked what word he saw. He chooses “music;” the word that was flashed to his right brain. When asked why he chose the word “music” he answers, “bell;” the word that was flashed to his left-brain. Alan Alda explains that he gives “bell” as the reason even while being shown pictures of other more musically related items. This test was used to determine that the right hemisphere of the brain is the conscious decision maker. The left hemisphere of the brain is the creator of the explanation of “why.”

Alan Alda goes onto explain that when asked why, Joe’s left brain “concocts” a plausible explanation using the word “bell.” In other words, not knowing why he chose music, his left brain made up the reason based on the word it was shown. The left-brain’s propensity to answer the question “Why” is problematic even when we give an answer that is true. The reason?—Our minds will go to great lengths to come up with an answer to any question it is asked. Therefor we should take care in choosing which questions we ask. Let’s take a look at an example of this.

We just sat down for a weekly coaching session. Dave, a rising star in a Fortune 50 Corporation was a bit frazzled, “I need you to help me come up with a good story to justify last month’s numbers.” I looked at Dave and asked, “What’s going on? What prompted this?” Dave answered, “In two days we have our monthly call with the president. He’ll ask why we missed last month’s numbers. If we don’t have a good story to explain it, we will be in trouble.”

I wish I could say this was unusual. I am amazed at the amount of time and energy I see being spent on answering the question, “Why did or didn’t this happen?” Here was a critical senior leader in the division expending energy to “concoct” a good explanation for the prior month’s performance. This is energy he could be putting into ensuring the current and future months’ performances are where they need to be!

As a consultant and coach, one of the most common questions I hear is, “why?” Why did you do this? Why didn’t you do that? Why did you miss your quota? Why did you go over budget? “Why” is the most asked question, yet, it does little for us. In truth, it’s a distraction at best and keeps us from realizing our true potential at worst. Let’s take a look at the unintended side effects of this question.

One self-limiting tactic used by our minds is to become stuck on a past event. Often, when something doesn’t go our way, we relive the event over and over in our minds. This usually involves asking a lot of “why” questions. This habit wastes our energy; we are focused on something we can do nothing about. This is energy that could serve us well if we only directed it to the right place– the present. We are much better off when we are focused on what we can and will do, now, to create the future we desire than when we are focusing on the unchangeable past.

Another challenge arises from the rationalization the question of “why” promotes. As we discussed earlier, our brain concocts a plausible explanation to explain “why.” Plausible it may be. True? —Hardly. Not only do we concoct the reason, we compound the damage. To prevent our experiencing any sense of Cognitive Dissonance, we come to believe our own explanation. Thereby, we begin to create a mental environment where our past becomes “justified” in our minds. We believe our own concoctions; we use them to justify the existence of the condition we don’t want! The question “why” can have the effect of reinforcing the very condition it is intended to alleviate.

Our mind will give us answers to the questions others or we ask of it—even if it has to concoct these answers. This leads us to a very important decision. What answers do we want? Answers that reinforce the very thing that we wish to alleviate. Or, do we want answers that empower us to realize what we desire? The choice is ours.

If we wish to change our lives and the lives of the people around us for the better, we can start by changing the questions we ask. Consider the switch from: Why can’t I achieve this? Or. Why didn’t you do this? To: What can I do to achieve this? Or. What can you do differently in the future? In my experience, I have found these questions to be powerful tools for gathering power in my own life. These questions have the effect of focusing my and others’ attention to the very thing that will create the desired future—The “what” we can do.

I realize some of you are probably thinking: “Yeah, but I need to understand the why to know how to move forward.” I agree; understanding a person’s perception of the “why” can be useful. It provides understanding of where this person believes he or she is in relation to what is trying to be achieved. What I’m saying is, far too much energy and attention go into asking “why.” This energy will produce much greater results when it is focused on what others— or, we can do now to create the desired result. Unless we are dealing with someone with the willingness to do the intense inner work necessary to uncover true motivations, we are better off moving from the “why” to the “what can you do…”

I remember something I heard many years ago, “Where attention goes, energy flows.” Where do we want our energy to flow, to the unchangeable past— or to the potential of the future? The answer to this question may just hold the secret to our future success. Ask why something can’t be or wasn’t done; we’ll get an answer. Ask what can be done to achieve our desires; we’ll get an answer. Which answer serves us best?

It was one of those hard sunny days that you only get in late summer in New England. The sun cut across the water like a laser through a steel door. I didn’t want to be here. I had a million other things I’d rather do and a million other places I’d rather be.

I was taking my father in law and brother in law for a cruise on the Connecticut River. We were leaving the marina in my Sea Ray. I’d done this a million times. Guiding the boat through the narrow gap between finger piers; catching the tide and wind just right to slip into the freedom of the open river was second nature… that is, on every day but today.

No matter what I did, the wind and current managed to pin my back up against the bulkhead. After my fifth attempt, my tactful brother in law slipped in: “I could of gotten us out of here on the first try.” My blood came to full boil. Inside my head I screamed, “Why can’t I do this!” Operating the Sea Ray constantly reminded me of the need for Presence.

There’s an old saying, “Flying by the seat of your pants.” This is how I learned to navigate the notoriously twitchy boat. Given the slightest shift in wind and current, the Sea Ray would have a mind of its own– and not one of the brightest at that. I learned early on that to put the boat where I wanted it to go, I had to feel the boat through the seat of my pants. That day, the seat of my pants and I weren’t even in the same zip code.

Instead of being present with the boat, I was all up in my head thinking about the million other things and places. With my mind all wrapped up in the world inside my head, I was not connected to the real world. If I’ve learned one thing along the way, it is this: With presence, anything is possible; without it, everything comes down to a crap shoot at best.

One of the most common comments made about famous leaders who are known to be charismatic is: “You feel like he/she is completely with you when you meet.” Putting all of our attention on the people in front of us is presence. In today’s world of “multi-tasking” presence is a lost art. Unfortunately, more than art is lost when we lose presence. I once heard someone say: “It’s not multitasking; it’s doing more than one thing badly.”

Communicating is one thing we can’t afford to do “badly.” Our success in this world comes down to our relationships with the people upon whom the quality of our life depends: family, friends, team members, bosses, prospects, and customers. To realize the true potential of these relationships, we need to be able to connect. It is impossible to connect with another if you are not connected with yourself.

All you have to do is look around you. Everywhere you go: home, work, or a shopping mall. Everyone is focused somewhere other than on where and with whom they are. How many times have you seen people sitting across a table from one another texting on their smart phones? Being connected is not the same as being present.

Over the last 20 years, I’ve noticed a dramatic change in how people interact in the work place. Rarely does a conversation or meeting go by without the participants being on their smart phone, tablet, or computer. I can’t tell you the number of conversations I’ve had with people that took place while they were answering countless texts and emails. What gets lost as a result?– Presence.

Presence enables us to tune into the subtle signals that are always around us. If we follow these signals they will help us to find the best way through a situation. In my example of the cruise with my in-laws, the reason I had trouble steering the boat was… I was not tuned into the small signals that would tell me how the wind and current were affecting the direction of my boat. I find that being in tune with these subtle signals gives me advanced notice of the larger changes to come that can knock me off course. The same is true in any interaction with other people.Being present in the situation allows us to tune into the subtle signals given off by the other person(s). These signals, when followed, provide us with the best course to follow to make the connection necessary to influence others.

Many years ago, I was asked to be the speaker at an awards banquet for top producing financial advisers. The organizer of the dinner asked me to give a talk on a specific subject. Right from the beginning, I could feel a subtle energy coming from the audience. The subject of the talk was not connecting with this audience. Fortunately, unlike on the boat, the seat of my pants and I were in the same room; I sensed I had to change course, or I’d lose this audience into the bulkhead. I stopped my talk. I asked the dinner organizer to turn up the lights. I said to the audience: “I can go on with this talk or we can turn this into an open forum of question and answer. What do you want to do?” I immediately received an almost simultaneous, “Questions and answers,” from 200 hundred voices.

A night that was on track to be a real stinker ended up being a great success. Prior to this night, I would get completely caught up in my presentations with no presence with the audience. In those days I missed the subtle cues that can make the difference between success and failure. I have many opportunities to observe my clients in interactions with other people. I often see how the client’s lack of presence with the person(s) with whom he/she is talking leads to missing the very signals that would insure the connection necessary to influence a change in that person’s thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

The following are steps you can take to enhance your Presence:

Presence is a decision

The first step in insuring you’re present when you need to be is to commit yourself to the idea of being present. Recently I was working with a senior leader. In a meeting she told me: “I know it seems like I’m not listening; I am. I have to get these emails done.” She knew she wasn’t present yet she believed it was OK. If you wish to connect with people, it is vital that you commit to the idea of being present.

Practice makes presence

Lack of presence is a habit. All habits are built from repetition. If you wish to build the habit of being present, practice every chance you get. After making the decision to be present, take the opportunity to bring yourself back into presence whenever you can. One of the ways I did this was turning off the radio in the car. Instead of listening to the radio I would take the time to be present with the driving experience. There are countless opportunities throughout the day to practice presence. One of the best is to put away your laptop, phone, or tablet whenever someone approaches you for a conversation.

Presence takes awareness

Presence requires making a change. One of the ways our brain resists changing a habit is to ignore any information that supports making that change. As a result, we may often be unaware of our lack of presence. I find the best way to deal with this is to enlist help. I ask people whom I trust to let me know anytime they feel I am not being present. I find this is one piece of feedback others love to give me!

To influence change in someone, we must connect. To connect with another, we must first be connected with ourselves; this connection requires Presence.

Contemporary Quantum Theory states that reality only exists if someone is there to observe it. This is called the Observer Effect. I am reminded of this as I sit at my desk. As you can see in the picture above, my observation options are pretty varied. On my computer, I can see the devastation in the Gulf of Mexico, the war in Afghanistan, and just about anything else happening in the world. As I lift my eyes a mere six inches, I observe emerald green trees swaying in the wind and fluffy white clouds drifting in a blue sky. If I’m lucky and my timing is good, I’m face to face with the little humming bird who visits my window each morning.

The contrast between what I see on my computer screen verses what I see out of my window got me thinking. If I, as the observer, bring my reality into existence– why do I perceive these two very different realities? Unfortunately I don’t have a complete answer.

What I do know is this: the more I focus on uncovering and owning the truth of who I am, what I’ve done, and what I am capable of doing, the better my daily experience reflects the window– and not the computer screen. While the conditions of the world decline at an accelerating rate, my day-to-day experiences get better. My inner world, which once made the external world seem orderly, has calmed. I now experience a clarity I could not have imagined. As a reflection of this my day-to-day existence is much more easeful. Yet, sadly, the world at large continues its downward spiral.

So many of us are focused on the external. Trying to change the government, work our way to a better life, or save up enough money for the things we want. Yet we don’t focus on the most important thing– the truth about ourselves. So many of us have forgotten that our external world is a reflection of our internal world. Trying to fix the world around you is like to trying to comb the hair of your reflection in the mirror; you can try and try– yet it changes nothing.

If each of us on this planet chooses to stop what we are doing and turn inward to discover the truth of who we really are, our external world could shift immediately. True, we may not instantly manifest the Garden of Eden. In my heart, I know the resulting reality would be better than the life we live now. The only purpose for our external experiences is to provide a mirror to reflect the truth about our selves. If we aren’t willing to face the truth on our own, our external experiences will provide us with the catalyst to do so. If we are willing to face our truth, I believe our external experiences will support us in truth as well.

I’d like to leave you with this thought, shared with me by a trusted friend and adviser:

“In this world, all that comes at you is of you.”